Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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