I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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