I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
