Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
