we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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