I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
