i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
