I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
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I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
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True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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