last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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