Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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