Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
