I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
