Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
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I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
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You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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