I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
