grandma shit on top of the toilet
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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