i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
