Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
