And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
