my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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