Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I can tuck mytits in my pants
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
