Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
