You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
