i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
