if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
