I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
