she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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