An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
