I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
