Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
