trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
