i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
