halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
