You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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