So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
