my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
