he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
false alarm. still invincible.
this just has baby written all over it
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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