Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
