I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
