Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
