I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
