If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
