My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
