you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
