Jerry, you need to find god
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
