So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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