Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
