im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
