Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
