Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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