drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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