gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
