I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
