Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
