but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
