I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
