just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
