this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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