and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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