i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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